- The power of vulnerability. June 2010, 20 million views, 20 minutes
- Listening to shame. March 2012, 5 million views, 20 minutes
My notes clipped from the transcript of the second talk:
Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
...vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad."
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. ...Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. ... Guilt [is] inversely correlated with those things. [Guilt is] uncomfortable, but it's adaptive. [Shame is maladaptive.]
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations [as it is for women]. Shame is [just] one: do not be perceived as [weak].
[From a man at a book signing:] "[The women in my life would] rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When [men] reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. ...what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance. ...what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
...empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. ...And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.